Turkey Sandwiches

So last night I tried to fit my fist in my mouth. For no reason really, I kind of just wanted to see if I could do it. But then, with my hand halfway in my mouth, I remembered trying this same feat as a child. And then my fist got stuck in my mouth and I started to cry. On a similar note, One day, our kindergarten teacher gave us our very own Space Jam pillow; Space Jam had just come out and was all the rage. I specifically remember her instructing us to not, under any circumstances, take out our new treasures on the bus, since then all the older kids would steal it. I returned home with my new pillow safe, but this experience opened me up to the concept that not everyone is nice.

Contrary to the warnings of my kindergarten teacher, the school bus was not packed with evil demons ready to steal away my belongings. When I was in 1st grade, all the big 5th graders who sat in the back of the bus took a liking towards me. They let me sit in the back with them (to the jealously of my fellow 1st graders) and even had a special nickname for me: Teriyaki. During this time, I had a friend in my class named Brandon. Brandon and I would goof off during class all the time: we would shoot rubber bands at each other, steal each other’s shoes, and that sort of thing. Once I started hanging out with the big 5th graders, Brandon started acting differently towards me. “Why don’t you go hang out with your big 5th grader friends?” he would say. I also distinctively remember that he also started calling me names like “furry face.” Looking back, “furry face” is not much of an insult, but at the time, I covered my furry face and cried with hurt and frustration.
After a few weeks, the 5th graders lost interest in Teriyaki, so Brandon no longer felt spurned. This Brandon character was quite the rebel, and he taught me some naughty words in 2nd grade. I didn’t understand how words could be so bad that they were completely forbidden, so I used them in my diction – much to the horror and admiration of my classmates. At that elementary school in Connecticut, a select few 5th graders are chosen to become safeties. Once they donned the fearsome orange belt of a safety, their egos swelled until they literally exploded from the daily power trip. So naturally, the bigheaded safeties and my foul language were bound to conflict one day. “Get back to your seat!” screamed one safety at me. Feeling particularly rebellious because of Brandon’s negative influence on me, I replied with a defiant no and let the safety know that he was an asshole. Then I ran like hell off the bus, since it was my stop and I was scared of his reaction. My rebellious misdeeds were not to be unpunished, since the next day, I was sent to the principal’s office for a severe reprimand. I actually do not even remember what he said since I had my face buried in my hands. When I returned to class, I was a blubbering and sobbing mess – a mess that further added to the infamous reputation of being sent to the principal’s office.

During my stay in Connecticut, my dad took us to his coworker’s house for a night of ping-pong. Here, I met one of my lifelong friends – Andrew (Andrew and I eventually both moved to Pennsylvania, and now we live 5 minutes apart). It was fun having a friend that didn’t find joy in breaking rules and spending recess in time out. My family would go over to Andrew’s house each Friday night; our parents would play ping pong, my little brother and Andrew’s little brother would play with Legos, and Andrew and I would play his Nintendo 64. Our favourite game was Pokémon Snap – the goal of which is to take pictures of wild Pokémon. I was always frustrated that Andrew would never let me play the final level where you had to take pictures of Mew flying around you. It didn’t look hard at all – the elusive Mew just flew in circles around you. However, Andrew claimed that it was too hard for me, and never let me play it. In fact, I mentioned this fact to him a few weeks ago, and he just laughed and told me “Taking pictures of Mew was still beyond my abilities.”

It occurred to me then that not only are people not nice, but are also judgmental and fickle creatures. Dealing with other people always results in confusion for me since humans are two-faced creatures that will adopt hypocritical views upon everything. They also all have strange individual personality quirks that make interactions with them even more complicated. My kindergarten teacher spoke the truth when she warned me about the grotesqueness hidden within everyone; yet, she failed to mention that if I can overlook their shortcomings, people are not too bad.

Foxxy lady.

Sooo this one time i was talking to this Eva kid. Then I realized that she was a fox! So I asked her what she had on her nose. And she was like.....nothing! and hid behind her tail. Then I felt curious because I wanted to know what she was hiding.
But she wouldn't tell me. Its probably because foxes are distinctively sneaky and like to hide stuff. So the entire situation is understandable.

The thing is with foxes however, is that they do not shower everyday. Perhaps its their slobbish nature or sheer laziness, but they feel its acceptable to shower once a week. Not only that, they feel that its okay to wear the same clothes for up to 4 days in a row. And once it gets dirty, they just flip it inside out and they're good for another 4 days.



However, foxes are really pretty animals. They grow up to 3 feet in length, but only weigh like 10 pounds. They got tons of extra fur/skin. You could fit two foxes in one fox fur. Then they can play fun games together like catching wild pokemon. The entire concept of pokemon bothers me. If you think about it, Pokemon is exactly like dog fighting. You need to build up the best team of animals that can kill any other team of animals. And I'm not okay with that.

So basically, foxes are beautiful animals that don't bathe regularly, and pokemon is wrong and immoral. Also, my cat is standing on the keyboard for warmth. Its a little distracting. She just burped.

forts.

So as children, most of us have built forts. All sorts of forts; blanket forts, snow forts, tree forts, pillow forts, whatever. And recently, I have been getting back into the fort building scene. During government class, we get a class participation grade. And my participation grade went down a little because I build forts out of backpacks and desks. One day, I'm going to bring in my blanket too so I'll be same from aerial attack. When I'm in my fort feeling nice and safe, I like to take out my crayon box (the big 64 box) and draw pictures of dinosaurs. That doesn't help my class participation grade either. But its worth it, and I don't care.

Today, I found out from my friend how to say "dinosaur" in American sign language. I also learned how to sign out "vagina." Story time. This deaf woman was pulled over by a cop. And the cop didn't know sign language too well so he only formed the words for *Show me your..* Then he made a rectangle with his hands - a futile attempt to say license. It turns out that he actually made the sign for vagina. So then, the deaf lady was insulted and drove away. So now, I've been signing "dinosaur vagina" at everyone.

For the first time ever, I want to share something of a more serious nature. I have recently entered into a relationship with this fantastical girl. Shes accepting of all my strange quirks (at least I feel like she is. maybe she's just hiding how weirded out she really is). That's really important to me since I want to feel accepted, and wanted, and loved. But for one thing, she doesn't want to hold me. She feels that guys should hold the girl, not the other way around. And I want to be held tooooooo! whaaaa! And she thinks holding hands in school is uncomfortable. Thats weird cause thats what people in relationships do (even though shes fine with hand holding outside of school). But I think the idea of kissing is weird. So I'm weird too. But kissing is weird. Its like...ok I really care about you, so I'm going to explore your mouth with my tongue. It doesn't make sense to me. Kind of like the idea of drinking milk from cows. Who decided to pull on the cow's udder thing and drink the white stuff that comes out? Probably the same person that invented kissing....haha. So, I don't know if my quirky yet adorable girl will read this..but if you do..I want you to know that there are millions of girls who go to bed each night crying because they wish they were as beautiful and special as you. <== I came up with that all by myself :) I'm so proud of myself. rawr.

Dinosaur.

A common social custom observed in many cultures throughout the world is the exchange of dinosaurs as a token of a meaningful relationship that has high hopes. Only through this exchange can a relationship proceed onwards. Now that this basic fact has been established, I'm going to move on with my tale.

So let us imagine a girl. Let us assign said female a name...any name...let's say Amy. And this so-called Amy girl was at the local bakery. She needed a cake for a special occasion. But not any cake would satisfy her needs; she desired a carrotcake. Made out of real carrots. And real cakes for that matter. But I digress. This Amy character needed a cake, since it was her friend Dawson's birthday. However, Dawson was rather picky about his cakes. Also, Amy wanted her cake to stand out from the masses of other cakes Dawson would be receiving. However, the bakery only had generic cakes. Amy did not want to be generic. She wanted to be an unique individual. She already was a very special and unique person, but she wanted to show Dawson this. So, she went to the zoo and bought a dinosaur.

Little did she know, that concurrently, Dawson was also searching for a gift for his friend Amy. Similarly, he wanted his gift to be unique and stand out from the masses of gifts that Amy would receive (because she was just that loved by all). He started his search for the perfect gift at the local hardware store. He was searching for the perfect set of wrenches that might finally catch Amy's attention. However, the hardware store only had generic wrenches. Disappointed, Dawson walked home. His moping gait changed however when he noticed a yard sale. Hidden behind the dusty furniture and old records, was a dinosaur. Remembering that dinosaurs are the perfect gift to bring a relationship to the next level, he promptly purchased it.

The next day Amy and Dawson exchanged their carefully wrapped presents. Both were delighted with the dinosaurs and the connotations that these dinosaurs brought along. I have high hopes for their relationship together.

52. What confuses you the most in life, and why?

So sorry I haven't updated in the past forever, but Mr. Rice's english class was soooo last year and everyone knows thats when i update my blogz. What I've got for you here today is a college essay I've been working on. A rather entertaining one, if I may say so myself. Enjoy.

Everyone is familiar with the time of year when the weather gradually becomes cooler, the days shorter, the leaves on the trees change into brilliant colours, and then wither away and drop to the ground. This time is called autumn. But during this season, there exists a strange phenomenon that is a cause of great confusion for me. I am speaking of course, of the time when our avian neighbors all share a common thought: flying south.
The idea of a bird flying south for the winter makes sense. It obviously feels chilly, so it flies in the warmest direction instead of hibernating or finding a warm burrow like its ignorant land bound neighbors. The warmest direction is obviously south – anyone can pick out the warmest direction to move in with ease. The only part that might invoke the slightest sense of confusion would be the fact that all these birds somehow manage to decide to fly south. They all somehow decide to pursue the exact same course of action, and notwithstanding that, they all fly precisely south, not east, west, or north. Some attribute this behavior to instinct – thought processes hardwired into each bird, so they all know to fly south when the weather becomes colder. Now the question that naturally arises is how are birds able to pass on knowledge regarding their annual migration on to their children? The adult birds neither teach their hatchlings how to differentiate between north and south, nor teach them the appropriate time to begin the migration.
Now for a college essay, this topic may seem a bit trivial. After all, no one cares that much about bird migration patterns. However, it is not that difficult to draw the connection between the behaviorisms of birds with those of man. If birds are able to somehow pass knowledge to their children, why shouldn’t humans also be able to? This is why I feel confused. After all, humans, birds, and all the other various creatures of the earth are said to have been descended from a common ancestor. Birds, along with many other animals, have received the ability to inherit instincts governing their behavior from this ancestor; yet, humans have been left out. Perhaps it is because of our so-called ability of “independent and intelligent thought” that separates us from the beasts. This ability is also a cause of confusion for me. If evolution is a process that will result in better-developed creatures, then why have humans lost the ability to impart their children with knowledge gained from the previous generation?
The processes governing human thought and learning mechanisms leave me confused. When I first started writing this essay, I set out with no purpose in mind. I started writing about something that genuinely perplexed me, and wrote my thoughts down as they came to me. In conclusion, I hope this brief glimpse into my musings gives you a general feel about my personality and individualism.

Meow.

I'd like to dedicate this post to a single purpose: taking internetz credit for a word my little brother made up. BITCHFUCKCUNTMONKEY.

The Coming

My dear readers, it is time that the secret is revealed. I have recently found out that the best kind of waffle is made from the hairs of the monkey plant. What is this monkey plant you may ask? Well, the monkey plant is a cross between the popular mammal known as the kitty and the famous plant known as the waffle iron. The two fuse together at high temperatures and high pressures to form a monkey plant. This plant of monkies is covered in hairs. These hairs are really good at making waffles.

Ten waffles is enough to feed a starving child in Kenya. However, if one tries chess boxing, one will become king of the world. Not only will he be able to beat his minions up if they are unruly, he can also be really smarts. He can even beat minions up while beating other kids at chess. All shall fear his skills.

I think that socialism is a good form of government. On a similar note, I have recently discovered a new website called www.omegle.com. Omegle is a website where one is hooked up with random other people and are expected to start a conversation. I like to start conversations by the question "How do you feel about the price of pancakes nowadays?" Most of the time, the random stranger will disconnect at this.

In conclusion, have a nice life. Brian Brian Tochterman, Tochter Tochter man.